I just say I’m a “standard-issue white guy,” and people know what that means.

Close enough.

My job includes going to a lot of weddings, and I probably do two weddings a year where someone shows up in a kilt. One wedding had the entire Groom’s side in kilts. Not the groom, though, he had on a tux. The Bride wasn’t letting it go that far.

It replaced paddling.

Getting a tattoo is too much of a commitment for me.

Don’t worry about it mom, I’m just…a horny slut.