one of those lil lipstick-shaped pocket knives?

death penalty.

Behind the Bastards (weird/interesting historical shitheads; usually, they did one on Musk and the Submarine Guy)

The Dogg Zzone (if you read Cracked back in the day, two of the main writers, plus guests)

Stuff You Should Know (Stuff. You should know.)

The Dollop (More weird historical shitheads, and sometimes good stuff??)

My Brother, My Brother, and Me (because i’m a basic removed and love dick jokes)

Distractible (also because i’m a basic removed and love dick jokes)

because they’re supposed to make it up in tips. yeah, it’s the business’ fault, but if you’re going there and supporting the business through your purchases while knowing you’re supposed to tip, and then not tipping, you’re the asshole. don’t get me wrong, it’s unethical. but OP knows you’re supposed to tip and is trying to wrangle their way out of it. if you can’t afford to tip, just don’t go.

invisibility. i would just be invisible 20/7… only because it’d be rude to go up to a cashier or to the barber’s while invisible.

you absolutely are the asshole if you don’t tip. if you can’t afford to tip, then don’t eat out/just hit up fast food/go anywhere where people are paid a decent wage. most servers make under $5 an hour. if you’re not tipping, you’re directly exploiting them.

Munchlax, Drifblim, and Beedrill. and i, much like every disaffected child in the 2000’s, wanted Entei to be my dad.

as someone with IBS, cold/frozen liquids are the way to go… pun fully intended. it might be a bit difficult to keep things cool, but frozen sports drinks and the like are good for keeping you going. it’s really unhealthy, and i absolutely can’t recommend it, but it should work. you get a lot of your water intake from food, too, so if it’s not getting any of that, the water you ingest from liquids/frozen liquids is gonna get sucked up by your large intestine and, in theory, you’ll need the toilet less. good luck with, uh. your thing.

“nofapping Reddit” is the greatest way i’ve ever seen anyone describe the situation