At this very moment I am drinking an espresso as I sit on the toilet

In our case, lots and lots of alcohol. Definitely coke going around but it’s not my thing.

I worked in a restaurant where a server would shoot up in the bathroom before her shift. She didn’t last long.

What’s going on with the brie?

The rare double brand new sentence

This is the right answer.

As someone who comparison shops in excess, toilet paper math is infuriating.

I watched her every Friday night.

I mean, if you want to do that at the salad bar I’m not gonna stop you but others might not be as forgiving.

Proper decorum would require ladling it into a pitcher for the whole table then drinking it from red plastic cups.

I’m sure some would find it useful as a delivery method for ranch dressing.

The stained glass lamp shades. The red booths. Beer for dad.

The first salad bar I ever saw was at a dine-in Pizza Hut.

Jerry Seinfeld’s apartment seemed close to right although we never saw the bedroom.

“Goddamnit, it’s always fucking something…”

I’ll get it on my forehead so I can bang it against the wall.

For those who are looking, the Sony Xperia line has a number of phones with both an sd card slot and a headphone jack.

I keep bringing you home because you’re cheap but I’m never really satisfied.

I don’t particularly care for raisins but I might have to go get some to satisfy my curiosity.

I would almost certainly be into leprechrust and flowerviolence.

Slide the stick out and it might actually work.

Oh there’s plenty of people killing each other in the city too.

This guy is safe