Yeah, some of the best allies I’ve ever had also had their unintentionally transphobic moments. When I first came out, there was an old woman I worked with who referred to me as “The queer”. She’d also ask if I needed to go to the restroom anytime she went because she knew I was terrified to go in the women’s bathroom alone. She’d chew people out on my behalf for being even slightly disrespectful. Even if I had the courage to do it (I didn’t) I wouldn’t have been able to advocate for myself like I needed to because I’m a trans woman. It’s like how sometimes you gotta find a man to say something to another man so that they’ll actually listen.

I spoke to her about it, she said she understood the discomfort and she’d just been using it as a term for so long that she didn’t see it as an insult. She never stopped calling me that although the frequency did go down. She never said “Well I do all this for you as a friend, why are you even mentioning this?”. She saw that she was unintentionally making her friend uncomfortable and wanted to do better. She still slipped up sometimes afterwards, and that was perfectly fine with me.

That’s the difference between an ally that isn’t perfect and someone who uses allyship to boost their ego