It is time once again for “Ask Mister Language Person,” the only grammar column
to have won both the Nobel Prize for Literature and the Indianapolis 500.
We shall begin today by reviewing the correct use of the apostrophe, which is
defined grammatically as “the little thing that is hard to find when you put it
inside quotation marks,” as is shown in this example: “'”.
Even top professional writers have trouble with apostrophes, as we see in this quotation
from William Shakespeare:
"O Romeo, Romeo “Your lookin’ fine in them tight’s.”
This is incorrect, of course: Shakespeare has used the word “your” as a
participial infraction, which requires an apostrophe, as we see in this
corrected version:
"O Romeo, Romeo “You’re buttock’s are highly visible in them tight’s.”
A lot of people have this problem, which is why it is important to
remember the Three Rules For When To Use Apostrophe’s:
TO INDICATE CONTRACTIONS.
Example: “This childbirth really hurt’s!”
IN HERPETOLOGICAL PHRASES.
Example: “There’s snake’s in the Nut ‘n’ Honey!”
IN LETTERS TO CUSTOMER SERVICE.
Example: “Dear Moron’s:” Please have these rules tattooed on your biceps,
because Mister Language Person is getting tired of correcting people and may
soon turn the whole matter over to the police.
The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small- business signs to alert
the reader that an “S” is coming up at the end of a word, as in: WE DO NOT
EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK’S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM’S. Another important
grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand-lettered small- business
signs is that you should put quotation marks around random words for
decoration, as in “TRY” OUR HOT DOG’S, or even TRY “OUR” HOT DOG’S.
Inappropriate apostrophe’s
It is time once again for “Ask Mister Language Person,” the only grammar column to have won both the Nobel Prize for Literature and the Indianapolis 500.
We shall begin today by reviewing the correct use of the apostrophe, which is defined grammatically as “the little thing that is hard to find when you put it inside quotation marks,” as is shown in this example: “'”.
Even top professional writers have trouble with apostrophes, as we see in this quotation from William Shakespeare:
"O Romeo, Romeo “Your lookin’ fine in them tight’s.”
This is incorrect, of course: Shakespeare has used the word “your” as a participial infraction, which requires an apostrophe, as we see in this corrected version:
"O Romeo, Romeo “You’re buttock’s are highly visible in them tight’s.”
A lot of people have this problem, which is why it is important to remember the Three Rules For When To Use Apostrophe’s:
Example: “This childbirth really hurt’s!”
Example: “There’s snake’s in the Nut ‘n’ Honey!”
Example: “Dear Moron’s:” Please have these rules tattooed on your biceps, because Mister Language Person is getting tired of correcting people and may soon turn the whole matter over to the police.
The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small- business signs to alert the reader that an “S” is coming up at the end of a word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK’S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM’S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand-lettered small- business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in “TRY” OUR HOT DOG’S, or even TRY “OUR” HOT DOG’S.
– Dave Barry