Imagine being dead, buried and just a skeleton right now. That’d be pretty fun, wouldn’t it? Haha…ha. I hate myself so fucking much.
I never understood the whole “when you’re dead people will be able to tell from your skeleton” thing. Like, I’d be dead already. I wouldn’t be physically capable of giving a shit. I really can’t be bothered to worry about what hypothetical future people think about my corpse.
I suppose the one on the left would be “women”, due to the larger chest, and the one on the right would be “men”, who require large legs to walk around.
“These wide hips make sure there’s enough room for my massive, manly hog to swing around.”
Incoherent rambling
Why don’t I just leave. I don’t bring anything positive to the world anyway. I’m just a man and that’s all I’ll ever be. Neither HRT nor surgery will save me. People say to love myself, but how can I do that, when I’m the one responsible for this destruction and mutilation of my body that we call “normal puberty”? Why did I ever put off starting HRT…
Now’s too late. Always has been. Now it’s impossible for me to ever look at myself and see a girl. Passing is a fucking joke, I can’t seriously look in the mirror without simultaneously bursting into laughter and tears. I’m just a monster and yet I still somehow think I deserve to be called and adressed as a woman. I ruined this body. This is all my fault.
I ruin everything I touch. Every relationship, every friendship I ever had, every community I ever belonged to. My only two irl friends don’t even talk to me anymore. I haven’t even been able to get off my ass and go get therapy. All I do is take estrogen and hope somehow I’ll get to be a “real girl” one day without putting in any effort of my own. I’m the worst kind of pathetic. I’m an unlovable, obnoxious, ugly dumb piece of shit that has no value as a person. Sometimes I even wonder if I’m a person at all.
Maybe in another timeline I’m happy. I don’t need SRS or extensive FFS or even HRT. Or maybe I do need HRT, but I actually started at a reasonable age, before the damage became irreparable. Whatever that timeline is, it isn’t this one. I’m so fucked. I hate myself so much. There’s no one in this world I hate more than myself. I don’t even hate other people, just this thing that I am. I hate living in this body. I hate living this life. I hate being whatever fucking monster this is. I’m so tired of it. I wish I’d never been born.Ill say it again, your always welcome here
🫂
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, Miisha. Please know that you bring a lot of people joy, myself included. You are being unfairly harsh on yourself. You wouldn’t say those things about another person, so please try to give yourself the same grace and compassion.
We love you and I hope you know you have support from people here if you need it.
So… it seems pretty clear that you’ve internalized some unhealthy things. I don’t know where this feeling comes from, and maybe you don’t know either, but to some extent it doesn’t matter, because no amount of reason can argue you out of a feeling. The inspiration and the justification are mostly a distraction.
However, you need to accept that the way you’re feeling now is as meaningful and self-defining and real and legitimate as the feeling of being a little bit bored while you’re sitting on the toilet. It is one feeling among many that are part of your life experience. It has power when you empower it, by focusing on it above all the other feelings that you have.
I know, it seems all-consuming when you’re in the midst of it, but it doesn’t have to be.
I’d like to point you in a direction that helped me:
Being Peace, by Thich Nhat Hanh.
If possible, get a physical copy that you can sit with, and put your phone away for awhile. Read a chapter, and then spend some time contemplating it, and relating it to your own experience. Don’t rush, you aren’t racing to the end to find the ultimate answer. Peace isn’t something that comes to us, it’s something that we make for ourselves. Peace is something that we bring into the world, out of the desire for it to be.
No one is more deserving of some peace than you are.
I love you, it won’t help you accepting yourself, but I love you anyway. You are my sister, I want you to know.
Otter hugs for you luv 💜
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I just wish I wasn’t here anymore. I really honestly wish I wasn’t born in the first place. If I knew I’d be trans I’d somehow go back in time and convince my mother to get an abortion. It hurts. 8 months HRT and I have nothing to show for it. Nothing has changed. Face still as caveman like as ever, body still inverted triangle ultra masculine. What a joke I am honestly. What a fucking joke. And to think I was so naive to think I started early, that I’d pass one day. What a load of bs. If anything I look more masculine now than I ever did. I’m literally a guy with boobs, that’s all I am and all I’ll ever be. Fuck this body. Fuck this world and fuck this life. I want out so badly but I’m literally not strong enough to end it. I literally can’t. The only thing that will happen is I’ll get the police called on me again if I start being too honest with people with how much I’m struggling. I can’t anymore, sorry.
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I hope something terrible happens to me. I hope I meet someone in a dark alley. Don’t care what they do but I hope I suffer. Maybe then I’ll find the strength. Maybe. I hope I die one day.
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I couldn’t even not ruin the one place I felt safe, the one community that accepted me. I fucked that up too. I can’t even follow the simplest rule, like not posting literal porn, twice. I’m that stupid, if you can believe it. I sure can, I did it. I fucking suck.
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And what am I now? That which I criticized. A drugged up mess that doesn’t even qualify as a human. After criticizing alcohol my whole life, I pick up something even worse. The hypocrisy hurts. I’m such an arrogant asshole. I pick up something that I think is keeping me alive. I still think it is. It’s a mistake, but hey, I’m alive? That’s great isn’t it? I don’t think so.
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I’m gonna vomit. Not because of the drugs but because I make myself sick, literally. That’s how much I hate myself. I wanna puke just realizing what I am, what my body and existence are. I’m the worst. I’m the worst fucking person in this goddamn world. I’m completely worthless, not even good for sex. Not even good for anything. I’m the worst…
