Hi all,
I’m a 39M IT guy from New Zealand. Never been in a serious relationship, never had sex either, not sure if I’ll ever get to in the future. But I do hope to experience it at least once before I die, so that I can see for myself what the fuss is all about.
My favorite hobbies are cooking (vegan), gardening, pets, yoga, meditation, photography, karaoke, gaming, technology, reading books/manga/manhua/manhwa, Star Trek, hiking, trying out a different kind of tea every month, and going on early morning walks to catch the sunrise from a scenic spot.
AMA but please be nice, thanks!
Hey man, it sounds like you still may be depressed. From one internet stranger to another, I want to tell you that you have value. From your post I can infer that you’re an eloquent writer, that you consider the feelings of others, and that you appear to treat other with kindness. We need more people in the world like that. Please, seek out a mental health professional if you feel depressed or suicidal.
I was depressed for while in my 20s. I was stuck in a job I hated, living 1000s of miles from my family, lonely, and zero prospects for a relationship. I spent all my free time alone and distracting myself from my depression with video games. My worldview was devastated as I had been learning that I was raised in a cult. I was unnecessarily carrying shame from my childhood for normal human behavior. Also, I was still a virgin* until 30. (*Now I think the term “virgin” is a weird harmful patriarchy concept. A person’s value is not indicated by whether they have had sex or not.)
Although you’re a bit older now than I was at the time, we are about the same age now. We are not too old for happiness. Things can and will get better. The night after I married my wife (mid 30s), I broke down sobbing because until that moment I wasn’t sure anybody would fully accept me as I was. But she does, faults and all, and goddammit I love her for it.
Thank you for your kind words, internet stranger, I really appreciate it. If you don’t mind me asking, how did you manage to break away from your depression and eventually meet your fated one?
Big life changes helped. I moved, changed jobs. I met my wife through the internet. I took the time to make a serious, though out profile on a paid site (best $30 I ever spent). No tinder, no superficiality, not a hookup person. I didn’t have a high response rate from messages I sent out, but I let that roll off and kept at it and was patient.
I’m not a person generally prone to depression or deep emotion, so it eventually passed. I didn’t go to a therapist, but my brother swears by it and says it’s useful for everyone.
Not the commenter you asked, but there’s a simple mantra called “no more zero days” which originated from some reddit post, but is kind of proven nowadays.
tl;dr: forgive and be grateful to yourself, read (books) / learn, exercise, do at least a very small thing every day, even if it’s just getting dressed and take a walk of 5min or reading 1 line in a book or doing 1 small household chore, e.g. doing the dishes or laundry.