cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/42292983

Maybe I’m a Saint [OC]

Horrible
Horrible, I am,
Burning all I touch,
Debt unpayable
I’m a demon, a wretch,
And it’s time I left,
Left, left for good,
The only good I can do
Gone for the last time,
This world will be freed

Darling,
Darling love,

Don’t try to stop me
I’ve made up my mind
I’m done pretending
I’m done destroying

But darling,
You pretend as you speak
You act as if your name,
Shall be written into the books,
As one to be shunned,
By all around the world

And it’s true

Love,

Let me go

You never let others go

Because I’m selfish
I’m wretched

Because you need to be held

Because I need to be pushed
Pushed away at once

Hear me, love
Speak not of yourself as such,
For you are a saint,
A genuine saint,
Standing there for others,
When few stood for you
And listen close, love,
For I am you

No, I’m not
I’m the bare minimum, maybe,
But I’ve fucked up too much
Failure is all I craft
Others are all sophisticated,
And I’m a cacophony

You’ve simply forgotten, darling
A cacophony of pain, you are,

And I deserve it

And what of others?

I’m not a human
I’m a thing
A thing that hurts

You’re a thing that’s been hurt

I deserve it
How many times do I have to say

None,
None at all, love,
For you are deserving of love,
I shall cherish you forever

Maybe you’re a liar

Maybe I’m a fighter

Maybe you fight for the wrong things

Maybe I fight for the right things

There’s no right in me

Then what of every time,
You held someone?
You fought for someone?

The bare minimum

You say that,
But what of every time
Someone gave up on you?

Gave up for a reason

Every time you went above and beyond?
Every time you pulled someone from the brink?
Every time you stopped others from splitting?
Every time you simply listened?

Minimum

Maximum, my love,
You’ve given it your all
So much of your all,
You’ve forgotten yourself

Stop

I will not
I fill fight for you as hard as you have,
For love, listen,
Listen, I am you

Stop it

You’ve run off far, love,
A poor, scared thing,
Devoted to others,
Like nothing I’ve seen
You’re a fighter,
A warrior,
A light in the dark
You’ve just made mistakes,
Just as anyone would

LET ME GO!!

If you wish to be let go,
Why do you still listen?

Please…

Darling love
You’ve pushed so hard,
It’s all you know
Now, I believe,
It’s time you knew love
Come back to me, and be held

…

Then I shall come to you,
I’ll try as hard,
As you have for others,
For listen, I am you

…Sorry

Just join me, love

…Maybe I’m a saint,
A genuine saint,
A light in the dark,
That I never had,
Because I spread my light around,
Devoted it to others,
Ones who would never,
Ever give it back
And I’ve tried, and I’ve fought,
But they’d always push away
And maybe that’s okay,
There’s always next time
Always next time,
When I listen to myself
And I’m sorry, so sorry,
For pushing myself away

Never again

– Mallory/Marloe