self-explanatory!!
The ability to stop pooping for three days.
Each day you don’t poop, you lay an egg that hatches into a random monster. The egg is indestructible.
You have to post about it online and keep the community updated on your progress, becoming the first widespread Lemmy meme
You already can – immodium
Or just some painkillers. I had surgery seven or eight years ago and I still remember how badly I wanted to shit by day three and it just wasn’t happening.
But when you eventually poop your in the middle of human a human centipede
The ability to talk to animals
You can talk to animals now. I think what you mean is you want them to be able to talk too.
But only about collecting stamps.
Your already can talk to animals. We all understand you.
You can talk to animals, but it includes insects and birds… and you can’t shut their conversion out for some peace and quiet
Imagine going outside during spring. All animals are just yelling “I’M SO FUCKING HORNY!”.
you can talk to animals, but they don’t want to (they are very prejudiced)
You can talk to them but they can’t understand you.
This is just reality
Everytime you talk to an animal, every moving living being around you looks like the animal you talked to.
The ability to touch a book to instantly know its content.
Turns out, the books you touch are actually quite satisfied and content.
It only works if you touch it with your penis.
There are no downsides. Perfect.
The title of the book appears somewhere on your skin, and if removed you will forget any knowledge from that book, whether you obtained it through reading or your power. The titles must be legible, and cannot overlap.
but you must feel a paper cut from every single page of knowledge
Better print smaller then!
ooh, good thought! guess you could upload books and print them in nano-sized font
Every book you encounter will always be written in a language you don’t speak.
… but every page becomes blank just before you touch it.
Clear anyone of debt just by thinking it.
The debt alwaye gets randomly assigned to another person
OOF.
Carefully used this could still be worth it.
Their debt transfers to you.
And then to you…
And then to an orphan somewhere. You monster.
removal of debt happens by way of destruction of banking infrastructure. this may or may not be related to other harm
– this is actually how quite a lot of people got debts cleared on 9/11 (this was before offsite backups)
no downsides whatsoever
ability to instantly know exact composition of a substance just by looking at it
The exact composition of everything you look at is narrated to you, in order, in your own head, in the voice of Gilbert Gottfried
Or spelled out by Robert Loggia
even better
The ability to read, write, and speak every language
You become deaf and blind
It would be less efficient, but people who are deaf-blind can access the Internet and communicate using a refreshable Braille display. In-person they can communicate using an interpreter using a special sign language.
God damn it
granted. you can understand everything, but when you respond, you choose wrong (related, but not mutually intelligible) language every time
I can reverse any moderator actions.
You’re an admin on reddit
Who modded a banned subreddit back in the days…
I can summon food by saying its name.
You consume the calories of every food by just naming it.
Top life hacks to never starve.
Finally, a solution to stop poop for 3 days.
But the delivery guy still wants money for the food you ordered.
You take it from the hungriest person about to eat it, assuming there is someone at the time. You cannot turn this ability off, and it happens even when you aren’t referring to the food. I hope those birthday cakes taste good, you monster.
Stopping time
but for everyone, including yourself.
Fuck
Oh no, you’ve doomed us all.
But unfortunately you can’t start it again.
gg
It restarts at random.
You stop time for yourself too.
RIP
Time stops for everything that isn’t you, including air. You leave a vacuum everywhere you go and can never stay anywhere for long.
The ability to study, understand and use fantasy level magic.
you are still bound by laws of physics
magic is just physics we dont understand yet… think this could still work
if you want to lift something by telekinesis, you’d be just as tired, if not more, than if you used your hands. if you want to set something on fire by thought alone, you need to provide that initial energy somehow (like starting fire with bow drill). you’ll be drained just as much as after physical work
Now you see why the people at Hogwarts have a big feast every other day. And I don’t recall the more corpulent ones using that much magic
No, if you were just worried about energy, you would be much less tired than by doing things manually. For example, moving a heavy object downhill would gain you energy, not lose it, and keeping a heavy object in the air would neither gain nor lose energy. it would only be lifting that is hard, and it would still be easier than lifting manually.
Edit: and according to Wikipedia, human muscles only have an efficiency of around 20%, so doing basically anything through magic would be 5x easier than doing it by hand.
let’s keep conservation of energy, conservation of momentum, conservation of angular momentum and conservation of mass. who said telekinesis is 100% efficient? also let’s make it so that the bigger distance from user, the less efficient it gets
This is like saying you would be tired after lifting a pallet with a forklift. Many magic systems are about using magic in the world around you, which only requires you to understand how to use it; the energy being consumed doesn’t come from yourself.
This would be a fair limit. You would be limited by certain conservation laws, but as long as you would provide an adequate energy source (say, like Flash, you had to eat a lot more food) it could still be useful.
This is so far the Best and evil side effect :D
Obeying all of the laws of physics, magic wouldn’t work at all. Assuming you were able to break a few but kept some such as conservation of energy, it would be very powerful, ex: teleportation does not break conservation of energy as long as you teleport to the same height you left from. If you were able to extract energy from your surroundings, you could probably do basically anything you want. You could lower the sun’s heat by a degree and be able to move a mountain.
let’s make it so that all energy used in magic comes from within the user and has to be supplied as food
Not the laws of chemistry, or biology?
I’m an immortal Alchemist!yeah, immortal if you know what you’re doing
VERY mortal if you don’t
But it still only works if magic actually works and if it doesn’t, then you just understand really well how you would have used magic, if it were actually real.
Ability to secrete custard from my hands at will.
Only when orgasming
this just makes it even better
Can’t make custard without 'ard!
You constantly forget to wash your hands.
Your mouth becomes sealed shut for 8 hours whenever you secrete custard.
Hah! You clearly don’t understand the power of refrigeration.
My new bedtime routine would be filling up the custard freezer.
The custard is rancid.
Impossible!
Even fantasy there is no reality where custard is not delicious 🤤
Will calls the police and you are arrested.
Teleportation by thinking of a place
It will only teleport your body, not your clothes
Thats a obvious oversight by me. Worth a try still.
Plus, I can go anywhere instantly as long as I’m in private.
I think you win. Easiest side effect to deal with. You could have go bags all over the world.
Jokes on you, I don’t wear clothes.
You are unable to control the ability and will teleport even when you are just be reminded of a place.
this includes extraterrestrial and fictional places
The first time you go to a church and actually understand what they’re saying as a child, you go to hell
Thinking includes dreams and nightmares. You wake up in interesting places.
Does not teleport your cloths.
Hm, I’d still take it
Ehh. Just look up pictures of nude beaches or something.
You don’t teleport to the place you’re thinking of.
As you get older you keep thinking back to places that no longer exist.
You will arrive naked only - with an urgent need to vomit.
That place is the time you walked in on your parents having sex.
Perfect timing.
Except you feel the need to always respond to everyone else’s conversations. Your timing is impeccable yet everyone comes to resent your witty remarks.
I can obtain any super power just by thinking about it.
The ability to think is lost
Damn. So, does that mean I just die?
When you have obtained your superpower, you lose your ability to obtain any new superpowers.
So I get to chose one super power, but I lose the ability to think so it renders any powers I’ve obtained essentially useless? Man, this js the most realistic super power conversation ever. So realistic it’s quite scary!
.
The ability to read another person’s thoughts by looking at them.
Granted, but your thoughts are transmitted to the person looking at you.
Is that a bad thing 😏
